My Thoughts!!

This is kind of going to be a different post for me.  I am still a little unsure about how I want to word it so here we go.  It has been about three weeks since we found out that little Jordyn by now 6 week old (time flyes)  is blind.  I want to make this post about my feelings toward her being blind and just what I am going through.  The big reason why I want to do this is because I feel like we are out her alone with a blind child.  I am hoping that by writing this post someone can see it and later if they are facing this situation they know that they are not alone and how I handed it.


I have many different thoughts going through my head everyday.  To be honest to you I feel like I have been in a dream world ever since we found out.  One minute I am mad, sad, and frustrated all at the same time.  When we first found out like most Moms do I blamed myself.  I thought to myself what did I do during the pregnancy to make this happen.  One of the things that you read when you look up baby being born blind is from a mother drinking when she is pregnant.  I am not a drinker and to be honest probably can count the number of times I have drank since I was pregnant with Kenton on one hand.  So that it not what I am thinking but I was thinking about the number of Mountain Dews I had.  I never drank pop with Kenton and only had one a week with Madison but with Jordyn I struggled with not having one a day.  I know that sounds crazy but it crossed my mind. 

Another thing that crossed my mind was how I never stopped when I was pregnant with Jordyn I was always on the go trying to get things done or just wanted to give Madison and Kenton everything I could so never sat down and took the day off.  Right away when we where told about Jordyn the doctors told me that I did nothing wrong and there was nothing that I could have done to make her blind.  But deep down inside I still felt some responsibility for it.

Another thing that bothered me was when we had the amino done at 37 weeks 5 days I found out the my fluid level was low.  I wondered if this would of been caught if this would have changed things.  One of the things that they say when you have low fluid the baby doesn't move that much.  Jordyn was not a big mover inside of me but at the same time either was Maddy.  One of the reason why I did not feel Jordyn move that much was because of where my placenta was located which was on top of the baby. 

Another feeling that I felt was hurt or asking the question why.  I have not always been a spiritual person but I would say that in the last two year I have found Jesus and he is a part of my life everyday.  I try to teach my kids that everything in life comes from him and we do for him. So when I got told about this I felt hurt by God.  I felt like he had punished me for something that I did wrong.  I felt like he had let me down.  Then the question why came into play.  Why Scott and me?  I mean I am a good Mom and Scott is a good Dad so why did this have to happen.  I know that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle so he must know that we can do this this.  But still why?  WHY us, WHY Jordyn?  I still question this and don't know if I will every get this answer but deep down inside know that God is with me every step of the way and he knows what is best for my little girl and well tell me what I need to do to make her life the best it can be. 

I know that this is going to come off weird but here we go.  Right now what I want to do is give Jordyn one of my eyes.  I know that this is not possible but it is just what I am thinking.  I still can't even think about what the road has in store for her.  I also know that she will never know the difference but it still stinks.  When we found out at the hospital there was this beautiful fish tank that had keep me busy well I waited for the bad news.  The second the doctor told us she was blind my thought was that she will never know how beautiful that fish tank is.  Then my mind went to the zoo.  Kent and Maddy love the zoo.  How will Jordyn ever get to see the zoo the way that they do?  She not going to touch a lion or a bear!

Everyday since we found out.  I find things that make me mad or sad that she will never see.  She will never get to see my face, her beautiful face, her brother and sister doing crazy things.  Or even the simple things in life.  Right now I have so many questions about how will she do things like fix her hair, walk down the street, or even play fun games with her brother and sister.  I know that as time goes on I will find out these answers.  I plan on trying to update you on the changes I am feeling and the things that we are doing with Jordyn as time goes on. 

So I am going to end this right now by saying that I am still heart broken about this all.  But I know that God gave me this beautiful angel to take care of and love no matter what.  Right now well I type I am holding one of the best things that ever came into my life. 

 

For we live by faith, not by sight.  2 Corinthians 5:7

Finding out Jordyn is blind.

Finding out about Jordyn has changed our life forever.  When Jordyn was born she was born with scratches on her face that most doctors and nurses had no clue what to think.  If you follow me on here you would of seen the scratches on some of the photos.  Jordyn seemed to be health and had no other problems we thought when she was born.  One of the things that we did question about was her eyes.  Both my other kids had there eyes open all the time and had big big eyes.  Jordyn on the other hand had very small pupils and very seldom opened her eyes.  Before leaving the hospital my husband and I questions the doctor about her eyes but he said that they would get better with time.  I ended up going home two days after having Jordyn so thought that he was right and they would get better.

Jordyn's little foot hooked up to all these machines. 

 

Two weeks later on August 13th my husband took Jordyn to her two week appointment and that is when we found out something was wrong.  The doctor there looked at her eyes and said that he did not like the look of her left eye and that he wanted us to go see a opthamologist (eye doctor).  So my husband took her to an opthamologist right away.  There the optamologist said he also did not like the look of her left eye either and would like to put her to sleep to get a better look at both eyes. 

Jordyn's first wagon ride and Children's Hospital.

So we scheduled an appointment for the next Monday at Children's to have our three week old put under to look at her eyes.  I was a little worried because I have some malignant hyperthermia in the family.  This is where you can be put under and your temp can go high and can cause problems even death.  So everyone our families where a little worried but at the same time knew she was in good hands. 

So on Monday August 20th Jordyn was put under to have her eyes looked at.  About an hour later the doctor came back and said that her left eye was blind and he was hoping that the right eye could be saved.  He told us at that time he was wanting another doctor to look at her eyes as well.  Since we where at the hospital and had to be there for 24 hours the doctors decided to do some more tests.  My poor little three week old was put through so many tests that day but handled it like a pro.  Well there we got a call telling us that Jordyn would need to be put under again that Thursday and a cornea specialist would be looking at her eyes to see if he could save her sight.  We did not want her to have to go through the procedure again but knew it was for the best.  We were hoping that this doctor would be able to help her have a little sight. 

Jordyn in the recovery room.  She looks so small here.

On Thursday August 23rd Jordyn was put under again to see if there was anything they could do for out little girl.  Sadly enough two hours later we would get the news that no parent wants to hear.  This specialist told us that there was nothing that he could do for our little girl.  He said that Jordyn had a rare eye condition called microphthalmia which means small eyes.  He said that there was nothing that he could do and she was blind. 

Here is a picture of our little Jordyn today!!

 

It has now been two weeks since we found out about Jordyn.  I am still at a loss of words.  My emotions are still very crazy.  The only thing that I know is that she is our little angel and we love her through and through. 

My third angel is here!!!!

So here she is!!!

This Mom is so happy!!!

 

Well I know that I have been gone for awhile but I have a good reason at least after the end of July.  We welcomed a little baby girl on July 30th at 12:09pm.  Jordyn Elizabeth was born weighing 6lbs 1oz and 19inches long. 

One of the things that I love about having another child is the first 9 months of holding inside of me.  I think that the creation of a child is so amazing.  I still don't know how God makes it happen, but love that he does!  When I found out I was pregnant with Jordyn I was so happy.  I have always wanted more then two kids because I was 2 of 2.  Another thing that was different with this pregnancy was that we where not going to find out the sex of the baby.  With Kenton we where so excited to find out it was crazy.  With Madison I was so happy we found out so I could get some amazing girl clothes and stuff.  With this little bundle we decided that since we had all the clothes(boy and girl) we did not need to find out.  Scott also would like this to be our last child so we thought this would make it so exciting.

As for this pregnancy it was kind of uneventful.  With the first two I had morning sickness or all day sickness.  With both of them I lost about 15 pounds in the first trimester.  With Jordyn I lost about ten and felt pretty bad but I think knew how to manage the sickness better.  By the time I hit the second trimester the only thing that was bothering me was the varicose veins.  Then when the third trimester hit the heart burn was crazy.  But tums was my friend and we got through. 

We where planning on having Jordyn c-section on July 21st.  But a test that was taken on the 20th reveled that her lungs where not fully developed.  So I had to wait to meet our little angle another ten days.  Some of the longest days of my life.  During that time I was told that my amniotic fluid was low so it take it nice and easy.  We did not want me going into labor so I took it pretty easy trying not to do a lot for ten days.  Then a couple days before the c-section we got the call that said when we would be having Jordyn and we could not wait. 

I don't look that good here but here is my three angels.  We are so happy. 

Our family was going into the hospital a family of four and coming out a family of five!!!!!!  This was the fourth best day of my life along with getting married to Scott, giving birth to Kenton, and giving birth to Madison.  The day was perfect.  We went in got ready and then had Jordyn.  I think one of the best moments was when Kenton and Madison meet Jordyn for the first time.  I was one happy Mommy.