This is kind of going to be a different post for me. I am still a little unsure about how I want to word it so here we go. It has been about three weeks since we found out that little Jordyn by now 6 week old (time flyes) is blind. I want to make this post about my feelings toward her being blind and just what I am going through. The big reason why I want to do this is because I feel like we are out her alone with a blind child. I am hoping that by writing this post someone can see it and later if they are facing this situation they know that they are not alone and how I handed it.
I have many different thoughts going through my head everyday. To be honest to you I feel like I have been in a dream world ever since we found out. One minute I am mad, sad, and frustrated all at the same time. When we first found out like most Moms do I blamed myself. I thought to myself what did I do during the pregnancy to make this happen. One of the things that you read when you look up baby being born blind is from a mother drinking when she is pregnant. I am not a drinker and to be honest probably can count the number of times I have drank since I was pregnant with Kenton on one hand. So that it not what I am thinking but I was thinking about the number of Mountain Dews I had. I never drank pop with Kenton and only had one a week with Madison but with Jordyn I struggled with not having one a day. I know that sounds crazy but it crossed my mind.
Another thing that crossed my mind was how I never stopped when I was pregnant with Jordyn I was always on the go trying to get things done or just wanted to give Madison and Kenton everything I could so never sat down and took the day off. Right away when we where told about Jordyn the doctors told me that I did nothing wrong and there was nothing that I could have done to make her blind. But deep down inside I still felt some responsibility for it.
Another thing that bothered me was when we had the amino done at 37 weeks 5 days I found out the my fluid level was low. I wondered if this would of been caught if this would have changed things. One of the things that they say when you have low fluid the baby doesn't move that much. Jordyn was not a big mover inside of me but at the same time either was Maddy. One of the reason why I did not feel Jordyn move that much was because of where my placenta was located which was on top of the baby.
Another feeling that I felt was hurt or asking the question why. I have not always been a spiritual person but I would say that in the last two year I have found Jesus and he is a part of my life everyday. I try to teach my kids that everything in life comes from him and we do for him. So when I got told about this I felt hurt by God. I felt like he had punished me for something that I did wrong. I felt like he had let me down. Then the question why came into play. Why Scott and me? I mean I am a good Mom and Scott is a good Dad so why did this have to happen. I know that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle so he must know that we can do this this. But still why? WHY us, WHY Jordyn? I still question this and don't know if I will every get this answer but deep down inside know that God is with me every step of the way and he knows what is best for my little girl and well tell me what I need to do to make her life the best it can be.
I know that this is going to come off weird but here we go. Right now what I want to do is give Jordyn one of my eyes. I know that this is not possible but it is just what I am thinking. I still can't even think about what the road has in store for her. I also know that she will never know the difference but it still stinks. When we found out at the hospital there was this beautiful fish tank that had keep me busy well I waited for the bad news. The second the doctor told us she was blind my thought was that she will never know how beautiful that fish tank is. Then my mind went to the zoo. Kent and Maddy love the zoo. How will Jordyn ever get to see the zoo the way that they do? She not going to touch a lion or a bear!
Everyday since we found out. I find things that make me mad or sad that she will never see. She will never get to see my face, her beautiful face, her brother and sister doing crazy things. Or even the simple things in life. Right now I have so many questions about how will she do things like fix her hair, walk down the street, or even play fun games with her brother and sister. I know that as time goes on I will find out these answers. I plan on trying to update you on the changes I am feeling and the things that we are doing with Jordyn as time goes on.
So I am going to end this right now by saying that I am still heart broken about this all. But I know that God gave me this beautiful angel to take care of and love no matter what. Right now well I type I am holding one of the best things that ever came into my life.
For we live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
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